Writing

Azure

Azure.

Infinite stories of a struggling boy –
destined for greatness.
He knows the way to walk;
he holds the key.

Azure.

Stare deeply and you’ll see:
the boy inside screaming.
He just wants to run away;
far from the pressure.

Azure.

Ice-chambered seclusion…
From his true desires.
He is trapped but dances;
a way to hide his true feelings.

Azure.

His eyes hold a richness unmatched;
so too does his passion.
Yet he runs from his shadow –
the confusion makes him feel low.

Azure.

His soul window melts hearts;
his only gets more confused.
But he knows the truth:
he is quite sure.

Azure.

Musical Tears

It sits like a powerful god in the centre:
a black sheen reflecting the room’s light.
Standing proudly, firmly on four solid legs,
it waits for the talented to take its seat…

As he sits down on the cushioned seat,
he lifts the solid black gently.
His fingers rest softly on the ivories and ebonies;
a deep breath before the prelude.

Sound stabs through the sombre silence –
it fills the voids of pain.
He sways to the touch of his fingers;
the music takes him away.

Mozart makes the tears slip down his face,
but it mends his heartache (even for a little).
At least the keys accept his truth,
even if his own blood does not.

Tide of Truth

She walks onto the sandy beach
With a smile on her warm face.
She picks up a stick which is drowning
In the sunlight and begins to draw.
The end of the stick shifts sand
Into a loving heart.
Inside a giant
Letter for him
+
Letter for her.
She smiles as he looks onward
And chases her along the beach
Into the shallow waters where
They embrace:
Teenage lovers.

The wind blows her hair
Into her eyes as she stares at
The flat horizon of the sea.
She thinks – deeply – and glances
At him walking slowly towards
Her and a tear leaks from her eye
And makes the water saltier.
As he sits next to her
She just puts her hand on her stomach
And he realises what he has done.
As a wave crashes she realises
That’s not the only thing that
Has just crashed.

The overcast weather matches
The grey threads emerging from her scalp.
She walks slowly along the shore
Allowing the water to softly lick
Her journeyed feet.
She passes a young child and
Wonders whether her child
Will ever return her calls she
Has left for several years.
She comes across a heart drawn
In the sand with
Letter for him
+
Letter for her.
The water quickly envelops the meaning
And retreats leaving behind
A blankness; a truth.

She: sea water.
Child: shaped sand.
Truth: given up forever.

Bondage

He will not be tied down by rules.
(he wants to be tied down)
He will escape all prison cells of society.
(he wants to be locked up)
He wants to live without regret.
(try all the different ways of pleasurable pain)
His problems are tied to him so he runs.
(he wants to be walked over and be torn)
The heat is what he wants to avoid.
(he wants fire to be involved).
But he never wants to hurt anyone.
(only be hurt himself – willingly)

His dream is to find someone who wants to be tied down.
(he feels tied down himself)
He wants to handcuff them to his love.
(all he needs is to be free for a day)
He wants to please a lover with danger games.
(he regrets it when they run away in fear)
The desire to be wanted so badly to destroy.
(he tries everyone in his search for it)
He wants to be seen as cool – to his own mind.
(he’ll light up the bed sheets – literally)
He doesn’t want to feel emotional pain.
(what if hurting the lover is the only way?)

Indecision

“I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”
– The Road Not Taken, Robert Frost

To choose one of two great loves:
A happy forever after scattered
with the occasional rough patch.
But never both.

FIRST:
Love.
Happiness in the arms
of someone beautiful
in and out.
A love to wrap around myself
like a fleece blanket in a snowy tundra.
Security knowing that even if I had
nothing
I would have someone
who would make it everything.

SECOND:
Art.
A steady career filled with limitless opportunities
that would let me see the world.
And a guaranteed growth of character
experiencing the genius of countless creators
scattered across the globe
like cloudlets of passion.

CHOICE:
I cannot have both;
I must decide.
Success will only come
in the hands of sacrifice.

CONFUSION:
Loving both with my soul
but knowing my soul is single-chambered
and has a hollow for only one.
The swirling in my mind confuses
and disorientates.
Speared thoughts from every second
person saying what I should do.

HURT:
Knowing I will have to turn
away
from one for the other.
And longing for that which
I
did
not
choose.

DECSION?
Indecisive.

Apple Blossom

“But something rustled on the floor,
And some one called me by my name:
It had become a glimmering girl
With apple blossom in her hair
Who called me by my name and ran
And faded through the brightening air.”
– The Song of Wandering Aengus, W. B. Yeats

The way you looked at me the first time our eyes met. We both knew it was something more. Eyes can says a thousand things in a single second. It felt right. They way you looked at me made me feel special… Maybe that’s why I loved you so much… People always look at me with longing, or lust really. You looked at me differently, you saw deeper… You looked beyond my face. You looked straight into my soul.

You loved me selflessly, and you promised that you’d give everything up in the world if you had to just to keep me. (Pause to recollect.) And you did. You gave your life to save mine… You were the one who completed me, you completed me in my incomplete world. It’s hard when you’re a model and your world is built on superficiality. You don’t know who your true friends are or who is there using you as a beautiful accessory. At least with you I felt real.

You were so secure in yourself, that was so attractive to me. You were the one beating the insecurities out of me. (Slight laugh.) Weird how life works like that. Maybe the priceless oil paintings are painted by the most damaged hands.

I can tell you one thing… They’ll remember you forever, and that’s your dream! A legacy, the legacy you worked so hard towards. So whenever I feel lonely I’ll come to this apple tree and I’ll remember this day, the day I scattered your ashes… I’ll remember our first date under this tree where we shared our first kiss and made love for the first time… Where we both felt happiest. And when the red apples are ripe I’ll remember your smile. I’ll remember I’m your apple blossom and you’re my red apple. Because I’m the beauty and you’re the substance.

hurt You

please don’t feel me
don’t feel for me
feel for another
me no

You mustn’t be another x
i don’t want You in pain
pain at my numb hands
and heart

please just walk away
i know how you feel because
i feel the same but please
i dont want to hurt You
time will make the feelings go away
but time will never heal
the scars i’d give Your heart

please run away as fast
as You can
if You see me near
turn away
close Your heart to me
just me don’t let me in

i’m broken
if You step in my life
You’ll step on my broken pieces
and they’ll cut You open
and You’ll bleed out in pain

I try turn away,
say I understand.
“I’ll heal you!
I’ll make you whole again!”
But no…
I must turn away from
this lovestructive force,
but just know I’ll always see
you in the face of those I love.

Because you were my first.

Glamour Gourmet Gorgeous

I’m so full from my gourmet Michelin meal.
I’m empty, so empty – it’s how I feel.

I just Instagrammed my new diamond ring.
I feel like common stone commoners merely fling.

These Louis Vuitton shoes fit me so.
I’m incapable of filling shoes: I can’t grow…

Envy the zeros on my bank statement.
My esteem is a zero balance, lower than a basement.

The cost of my Aston could feed starving children in Ethiopia.
At least they are grateful unlike in my Utopia.

The 3 storey mansion has all I could desire,
But this life has extinguished my passion, my fire.

Check out this 5 star luxury resort,
I feel so poor like a forgotten, withering fort.

Stare at my super model boyfriend…
I’ve never felt real love. The end.

My face is modelled against perfection:
This facade hides a cracked complexion.

People are jealous of my picture perfection;
But to me life is my solitary, harsh detention.

There

We build each other up to
help each other when we fall.

Always there for each other
like a shadow to a tree.
Mutual respect and honesty
that radiates from the deepest
and most meaningful place:
Unexplained.
So powerful.
Both at the top of the world,
yet both wanting the
other to touch stars.
Standing united rather than
apart.

We build each other up to
help each other when we fall.

People will try pull us
down
down
down
to get themselves up,
but we want to help them up
the Truthful way.
Friends will become strangers and
acquaintance friends;
that’s the cycle:
cyclically natural.

We build each other up to
help each other when we fall.

Any position of the extreme
(highness or lowness)
will always be subject to the
scrutiny of common man!
Common man merely watches
and speculates at the validity,
but who needs the validity
of the exterior when you
have heart of Truth.

We build each other up to
make each other great.

Choice

I stand here as someone who has choice. Choice. Choice is a gift. Choice is something to be valued and used. It must be used with great care. It must not be used with an ignorant mind and an unwilling heart. It must be used with careful understanding and intimate knowledge.

I stand here as someone who has choice. There will always be people coming from different angles trying to pull you their way, trying to make you conform to their standards, to what they want for you… To what they want for themselves… This isn’t their journey. I experience the pulling all the time. Like a rope around my neck with ten different ropes coming off it, each in the hand of another wanting me to follow them.

I stand here as someone who has choice. I’m going to be honest with you. I don’t want you to think that I’m being arrogant, I’m being honest. There is a difference between arrogance and believing in yourself. Every second person I met told me to go to med school. “Oh you’re so bright! You must be studying medicine!”, “You’re so precise – you’d be the perfect doctor!” Luckily I’m quite headstrong. But after a while you begin to question…

I stand here as someone who has choice. People will always doubt you. They will always doubt your choices if they aren’t what they would have chosen. They will rip your choices to shreds to make their choices feel like the right choice because they aren’t sure of themselves. Their insecurity is redirected to your security. Do you know what it feels like to be doubted? To have people wanting to see you fall? To have people constantly looking down on you? I do. And it hurts. But it builds character. I don’t think you understand the power of fierce determination.

I stand here as someone who has choice. I’ve decided what I want and no one is going to change that. You either support me genuinely or you take your upturned nose at my choices elsewhere.

I stand here as someone who has choice. And I have chosen.