My soul is dressed in black today
as I attended another one
and my anxiety is back
(I can feel its kneeding in my chest)
and I’m blinking to keep away tears.
It’s a dusky dawn of drain,
my thoughts of care just a stain.
I walk around mute
but it’s loud inside my mind
with thoughts of this and that
how maybe I said something wrong
or didn’t do enough
(despite knowing I did more).
But I lower another one
into the cold, hard soil of memory:
Rest in peace, what never was.
Rest in peace.
I’m quitting the show
Ain’t my time to shine
Time to quicksand myself
Deep into my mind
No silence up in these fires
Can’t catch a break in these tides
Don’t know which way is up
But I know I’m going down
So mad at all these spectres
Don’t know if they’re mine
But they whisper me stories
And I can’t sleep at night
I’m afraid of that silence
But I need that constant buzz
So I just sit here ruminating
How nobody else hears these sounds
You love it when I write you a sweet love poem,
but rage scarlet when I smash you like limestone
with my shiny words and these strange metaphors…
We fell like Icarus, hubris was the cause.
I saw your lusty list of your past lovers,
I was but one under your starched white covers.
Staring at the city with you – I felt whole.
Now I’m left with pepperminted loneliness and paracetamol.
How does it feel to be free from my millstone?
Read between these coloured-in rhymes: there lies my tone.
Now you’ll see me in the shadows of the full moon,
surreptitiously shining on your bed: we died too soon.
Plush toy lies destroyed:
cute monkey face
spewing white guts
shattered on floor:
shards of expensive china
scattered like wrecked puzzle pieces
Dead flowers in
decomposition of beauty;
dried out leaves
sit like ashes –
Empty bed with
stained with unseeables:
regret, lust, mistakes, lies, uncertainties.
Epitaph of Loss;
Requiem of Silence.
I walk down to the lonely stream –
The water is shining like the sun
And I sit on our big rock.
I feel you sit down next to me.
We used to throw pebbles,
Little pebbles at the fish.
The water reminds me of you –
It still glistens like your soul: clear and pure.
The wind gently rustles the reeds
And I know you’re there –
I can smell it,
Your spirit is in the fresh air.
I walk along the riverside
Feeling the sand under my feet
Knowing things happened too quickly.
Our tree still stands tall –
Beautiful and green with life.
I can see you perched in a branch
Right where you felt at peace.
Our little waterfall trickles softly…
I peer over and see my face – for a second –
Then blurred out by my tears…
Tears of joy that you’re happy now.
I stare out of the misted window at the snow
And somehow I see your young face and I know
That you’re safe now away from the pain
Because you’re safely aboard Heaven’s luxury train.
Your smiling face brightens up my dark days;
It gives me strength, makes me brave in indescribable ways.
I can carry on knowing you’re with me;
Through me perhaps you can be.
Even in the salty tears of my heartache
I see your strength and it makes my demons seem fake.
You went too soon via a way too cruel:
This is my motivation, my fuel
Because one day I will heal the scars,
Turning the burnt out souls into stars.
It was the hardest thing to see leave,
But I know that you could no longer breathe.
One day I’ll see you again and we can share
Our stories we couldn’t bear.
In your final hours I felt your soul shine;
And it was then I knew it would all be fine.